I’m not talking psycho-analysis though my shrink has a very comfortable couch.  I’m talking about the first step of defragging.

Step One

This is often the longest step in the defrag process because it identifies the files, what program it belongs to, what is its purpose, is it damaged and is it still in use.  This seems to be what my brain is doing as random thoughts are pulled the to surface of my conscious thought.  If these thoughts are painful and traumatic memories, my therapist has given me an assignment to identify the damaged files.  Each memory (file) gets its own page and here is what is required:

1. (Identify)  Write 2-3 lines describing the traumatic memory.
2. (Damage)  How disturbing is the memory now? (0-10)
3. (Purpose)  What is the primary emotion now? (0-10)
4. (Program) Where in the body do you carry this emotion?
5. (Still Used) What is the negative thought about myself because of as a result of this experience?

Progress . . . . 80%

I figure that I am not done analyzing because as I deal with some of these traumatic events other memories will arise.  We will handle those as they come up.  Hopefully they are orphaned files that can just be deleted.  I am exhausted by the constant turmoil in my head.

Today I go see my therapist and begin the actual defrag process.  I don’t know how I feel about dragging up all the fear, pain and heartache of my past.  Actually, I feel a plethora of emotions but they are so jumbled that they are hard to identify: trepidation, denial, frustration, fear, anger and an overwhelming need to hide.