Soooo, after 25 years of being on the same medication, it’s not working anymore. Surprise!? Not really.

Normally medications need to be adjusted every 5-10 years, but I was taking a supplement that was great for my brain. Unfortunately they stopped making it. Now my meds are not working like they should.

A New Brain Chemist

I finally found a new psychiatrist. I was required to fill out 2½ hours of paperwork before even scheduling an appointment. What kind of paperwork takes that long you ask? The kind that describes your entire life:

I completed this paperwork as soon as it appeared in my email. Then I made an appointment for a 90 minute consultation. Oldest accompanied me to keep me honest.

I found all the writing I had done about what I am dealing with so that I didn’t have to talk about it. It is too heavy emotionally to deal with all at once. She thought it was great that I had named all my diagnoses

We talked about my PTSD and I was, happily, able to tell her I had gone through EMDR therapy with a previous therapist. It was dealt with.

I was asked even more questions and answered them.

Time to Play Chemist

I talked with my new psychiatrist about medication options, what I was taking now and what I had tried in the past. I couldn’t remember past attempts because it had been over two decades since the first, and only, chemical experiment with my brain.

This is not a quick fix situation. At least it won’t be like last time when it took over 6 months with some medications making it worse. This was my biggest fear and the reason it has taken me so long to find a new psychiatrist. I’m looking at about 2-3 months of trying and adjusting medications until we have the correct cocktail for my brain.

We’ve decided on Vraylar. It is a mood stabilizer. It seemed to be working okay until I realized that I was still taking my botanical brain supplement. I stopped taking that to give the medication a real evaluation.

Then things got really hard.

Consequences

At least this time we understand which medications families work best with my brain chemistry. So it should be easier on me mentally and physically.

Why physically you ask? It is amazing what shifting brain chemistry can do to your body.

Depression is currently my greatest struggle. I have absolutely no energy. I don’t care about anything. It takes everything I have some days, but I get out of bed, eat breakfast and take my meds everyday, not matter what. This was a decision I made years ago. This alone alleviates some of the depression. Not much, but some.

If I am able to do anything else it may only be one or two things in the list below. It is not much but it is something. Anything that makes me feel like I have accomplished something can lift a little of the depression.

• Five minutes of exercises I can do on my bed.
• Read my scriptures.
• Make my bed.
• Take a shower.
• Put on a bra.
• Get dressed.
• Empty the dishwasher.
• Load the dishwasher.
• A single load of laundry.

It is so bad this week that I had to find a substitute teacher for my piano students. I was walking a knifes edge. I was either going to break down into hysterical tears or I was going to blow up and yell.

Coping Until My Next Appoinment

Right now I am just trying to cope the best I can. The darkness of this depression is heavy, oppressive and debilitating. I just want to get through each day in one piece.

I know it is not permanent, even though it feels like it will never end. I know the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.

It has only been a couple of weeks since I first saw my new psychiatrist and it’s a couple more weeks until I see her again.

I thank God everyday for the medical advancements that make living life possible for me.