I want to apologize for not posting on Friday. I have found that talking about growing up with Bip is emotionally and mentally exhausting. While I often focus on the good memories, the shadows still frighten me.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Just because you are paranoid does not mean they aren’t out to get you.” Living with a dragon is like feeling you are being watched. All the time. The difference is, the watcher is hiding behind the thoughts in your head. It is like seeing something in your peripheral vision but it disappears when you turn to look at it.
This can be very frightening and disconcerting. I could feel the size and the weight of the dragon, but it would disappear in a wisp of smoke every time I tried to look at it closely. It was like having a ghost darkness hovering around the edges of my conscious mind.
I could feel Bip’s hunger as she patiently waited to take a bite of my soul. She wanted the real me, the truth that I had tucked safely away into the deepest recesses of my heart. Bip was searching for the path that would take her there. Every thought and word were closely watched and carefully evaluated by the dragon in my head.
I could feel the hot breath through the cracks in the door as I huddled in my hiding place. Peeking through the key hole all I could see where large teeth dripping with anticipatory saliva. The fear threatened to steal away my sanity as I struggled to quiet the painful thudding of my heart.
Lashing Out in Frustration
I cannot say how many times I held my breath while Bip sniffed around my hiding place. It got to the point where she had found the area but not the exact hiding place. I could hear her claws as they unknowingly scraped across the door. I could feel the ground shake as she lashed about with her tail. What I feared most was her roar. As she voiced her frustration, the sound would vibrate the very air causing my heart to stop. It did not start beating again until echos of Bip’s roaring had subsided.
I knew that she was getting closer and closer to finding my hiding place and that one day I would be discovered. What would I do then? I would fight, but so much of me had already been consumed by the dragon that I had little strength left. I knew if she found me I would die.
Author’s Note: While this is obviously dramatized, the sensations and emotions are real. The mind numbing fear and exhaustion dominated my life for a very long time.