Are You Dead Yet?

Sometimes in life we are required to do things that seem overwhelming and impossible even after serious consideration.  Unfortunately, life does not let us pick and choose the trials we face.

Life’s Boulders

Life gave me some impossibly huge boulders to move and I have been struggling with them for over three decades.  These boulders were not dropped into my path all at once.  They were placed there one at a time.

Some of these boulders actually grew as time passed.  Here is a description of the biggest of my boulders:

  • Health: bipolar, post traumatic, depression, anxiety and panic
  • Circumstance: 2 ugly divorces, loss of my children, loss of everything I own, minimal financial resources, depletion of financial resources, 22 moves, moving in with my parents, unexpected pregnancy, got my associate degree in paralegal studies, and unemployment 
  • Family: death of multiple family members, deteriorating health of my parents, family discord, all three of my sons in the army, two sons deployed overseas,  five children married, two children divorced, grandchildren

Why me?!

This is a question I asked God a lot.  It didn’t seem fair that I had to struggle and fight for every little scrap in my life when it seemed that so many had so much with less effort.

I finally realized that asking that question and feeling jealous of others was sapping my energy while making me angry and bitter.  I wasn’t getting an answer anyway and the rocks just grew faster.

I decided to change my perspective and came up with a hypothesis to test.  Here it is: God is raising the stress tolerance level of certain people so that when the world explodes they won’t notice.

How did I get on this list?  I don’t know but it appears that I am and it is too late to get off.

Looking back over my life I found that while it has been (and continues to be) extremely difficult, heartbreaking, exhaustively frustrating and soul wearying I have faced all my fears and come out triumphant.

I have also experienced a lot of joy in all its aspects.

Now What?

My world has been bombed.  It was turned up-side-down and sideways.  I have experienced pain and loss beyond words.  Death has claimed me and released me.

The boulders in my life have become immovable; a permanent part of the landscape.  The question is no longer “Why me?” but “Now what?”

I have decided to sculpt the boulders into something beautiful and meaningful.

Creating Beauty From Despair

Over the years I have spent countless hours crocheting.  It has become my “cheap therapy” as I untangle the stress of my day to create something that brings a smile to someone else.

I cannot tell you how many afghans, baby blankets, sweaters, flowers, stuffed animals, doilies and other miscellaneous things I have made and given away to family, friends and complete strangers.


I can tell you that most of these things have been used, loved and appreciated.

I was crocheting so much I ended up opening a store on Etsy called , “Life Untangled.”

I don’t sell the things I make.  It takes too long to make each item and I would stop crocheting for peace and end up crocheting for business.  Then crochet would become work instead of therapy.

So, what to do?  I could no longer find patterns that I were what I wanted.  So, I started writing the patterns and selling them.  This allows me to design and make what I want.  Crochet is still therapeutic and I get to indulge my creative needs.

Peace and Joy

It is not the completion of each project that calms the Fearsome Foursome.  It is the repeated rhythmic movements that create the project that are calming.

It has taken me many years, proper medication, a stable and safe environment, and several hundred pounds of yarn to get where I am.  But I am in a good place now.

I gain peace from my yarn and others have joy with something made with love.


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