Dragons are not born fully grown and breathing fire.  They begin in an egg that incubates for a long time before it hatches.

The Beginnings of Bipolar

It started so small and grew so slowly that I did not even notice it was there. Looking back, I can see when I first noticed it.  It felt like small cracks in how I saw my world.  Then there was a small darkness that crept around the edges of my consciousness like a will-o-the-wisp.  I remember thinking to myself, “I feel different, strange.” I didn’t really know why or what had changed. All I knew was that I did not feel as happy as I did before. I was only ten years old and I knew that something inside me had just broken.

And Bip Grew

I can see now, the little changes that began to take place. At first it was just the normal teenage girl things.  Tears for no reason.  Unexpected and drastic changes in mood.  My mother gave me “The Talk” hoping that some knowledge and understanding would help me. It did . . . . And it didn’t.

The as I got older mood swings began to get worse.  Within a couple of years, they were becoming more than I could control. I began to feel frustrated and angry because of the roller coaster of emotions that assaulted me daily, hourly, and sometimes moment to moment.  The fact that I could not anticipate my emotional reaction to any given situation was infuriating.

Then I began to feel fear as the darkness of depression began to grow within me.  It was like a huge living darkness that was slowly sucking me in.  The helplessness I felt was terrifying.  I was slowly losing control of my emotional responses.

I Could Not Vocalize What Was Happening

I tried talking to my mom about it.  But, how do describe the different colors to a blind person?  I did not have a name for what I was feeling.  I couldn’t explain what was happening because I didn’t even know.

One day I realized that something had taken over my head and the only safe place for me was my heart. I carefully and gently gathered myself into the safety of my heart and closed the door as the bipolar began to take over.  I felt so alone.