This post is not a cry for help, nor is it meant to be depressive. I think it is important for other people like me to know that they are not alone and no matter how bad it seems it will get better.
Hell Is Pain
I’m not talking about fire and brimstone. I’m talking about heartache, anger, hatred and illness. Heartache because I have developed a feeling a friendship with someone I would rather dislike. Heartache because I need to forgive the unforgivable if I want the peace and healing I so desperately need. Anger that the selfishness of one person has caused so much pain and suffering. Angry at the number of times it has turned my life inside-out and upside-down. Hatred for the person who has caused me so much agony. Illness because what I am dealing with exacerbates the chemical and hormonal issues that are just part of my life.
Hell Is Love
Not passion or romance. Love unconditional. I have had one love in my life, and he has unfortunately been the cause of much of my suffering and heartache. I have hated him, which only proves that I still love him because you cannot have hate without love. I wish him to feel the pain and suffering he has caused me. I wish him happiness and joy. I wish him dead. I wish him peace. I wish him many other things contradictory. Mostly I wish I did not care anymore.
Hell Is The Road To Healing
To find the peace I so crave I make this journey again. I have walked the road of hell many times over the last 30 years in an effort to put to rest the demons that haunt me. Forgiveness I must find within me if I want the pain to stop. A forgiveness that feels impossible because of the harm done to me and my children. How do you forgive someone you has broken your heart, spirit and body? How do you forgive the unforgivable? I do not know.
I have made this journey through my own personal hell many times. Each time I have less strength and energy to climb out. Each time I have failed in my efforts to put the past behind me. Each time I have barely made it out bruised and bloodied. Each time I try again to heal myself. To heal the wound that has been inflicted on my children I must heal my soul. For my children I keep trying.
Is The End Worth It?
I don’t know the answer to this question. I hope with all my heart that it is. I pray everyday that God will grant me the strength to endure and let go. I know that I am not alone in my journey, though the dark is overwhelming. I can’t quit because I don’t know how.
I do know that when things seem darkest, the light is coming. When I cannot go another step a reprieve will come. When I find it difficult to love myself, I know that others do.
To others like me who struggle everyday with the dragons of mental illness, don’t give up. Life and light are worth all your effort. They will come.