With Thanksgiving over I found myself with the post holiday blues. It was so fun to see my family, well at least half of them. We enjoyed the food, conversation and laughter. Some of the older children even shooed their grandmother out of the kitchen and did most of the cleanup without being asked. By the time everyone left, I was more than exhausted.
The Let Down
After fun and excitement always comes the let down. This is when your body says, “Time to rest.” Then your mind says, “Quiet at last.” The little bits of clean up that aren’t done can wait until the next day. We all go through this to some degree or another. I have the opportunity to enjoy the let down process to the extreme. (Oh yeah.)
As I began to let down from all the excitement my brain turned off and my body responded slowly to any commands given. I was content to sit and stare at the wall for long periods of time. I went to bed early for me (around 11 p.m.).
It has been three days since Thanksgiving and I am still exhausted. My head has a dull ache and is functioning on minimal capacity with no functioning memory. My body feels heavy and is slow to respond. I don’t really feel anything.
I’ve pushed my body until it died once and came close to it a couple of other times. It was never on purpose. Functioning with bipolar, post traumatic stress and severe anxiety is exhausting. I have pushed my self mentally and physically just to function and deal with life. I have done everything I can do to be there for my children. I have paid a high price for it though. The loss of my mental and physical health.
All but one of my children may be grown and I may have grandchildren, but I am still young. I should be at my peak physically and mentally. I feel like I’m 105 most days.
Time to Heal
I am amazed at the body’s ability to heal, but I worry that I may be losing my ability to function at anything but minimal capacity. How many times can a body come back from the brink of death? How long will I need to rest and care for myself before I start to feel better? This is my fourth time. Is it still possible?
I’m thinking about going to the doctor since it seems to be getting worse and not better. Maybe I can upgrade my memory. I think that 12 gigabytes of RAM would be great. Could I upgrade my power source? It’s time to get serious. Again.
Sometimes I hate my dragons.