My energy is coming back.  Very, very slowly, but is is returning.  I find it interesting that when I have energy I get many things done, but when the energy runs out it’s like somebody just flipped my switch.

Switch On

There are times when it is like someone has flipped my switch on and I have a little energy and feel motivated to do things.  I don’t do big things because just the thought exhausts me.  I do little things like read my emails, come here to say hello or make cookies. I do light housework regularly and read to my daughter every evening.

Switch Off

This is the part I find most frustrating.  I’m feeling good.  I’m motivated.  I am being productive.  Then someone flips my switch off.  It’s not a gradual thing.  I am suddenly tired and start to feel anxious.  It’s not like hitting “the wall”.  It’s like walking off a cliff.

No Backup Generator

I have no reserves to pull on.  When I run out of energy, I’m done.  Period.  End of story.  It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have to stop.  To someone who has steam rolled her way through life doing what needed to be done for as long as it took, it is a shock every time it happens.  Need to, want to, it doesn’t matter.  I HAVE to stop or I will crash.

I know it is going to take time.  A lot of time.  I just can’t help feeling impatient with myself.  Sometimes I still question if I am making it up or just being lazy.  That is when I know I’m done.  When I start to slide into old thought patterns that are harmful and negative I know that I’ve pushed myself too far.  Again.  Then all I want to do is sleep.  So I do.  And it’s okay.