Looking For Handholds

So, it’s been two days since I realized I was becoming suicidal.  Progress is constantly looking for the next thing to grab onto as I fight my way out of this depressive hole.

Bipolar Depression

There is a fight going on in my head for control.  Bip is not going to go quietly.  She never does.

The darkness is starting to feel like it is crushing me.  It probably has been for a while, but I didn’t notice how heavy it was until I decided to climb out from under it.  This is often the case.

Since I have decided to fight back, Bip has become more insistent.  She is trying to fold her wings more tightly around me.  The more effort I put into positive self-talk, the more the negative thoughts are pushing to be heard.

The loudest voice in my head is Bip’s whispering.  What does she whisper?

  • You don’t have to do this.
  • Just close your eyes and rest.
  • You have been busy for two days so, you should rest today.
  • You deserve to rest.
  • All this effort is a waste of time.
  • How may times do you have to do this?
  • Just give up and let it happen.
  • You are just a burden to your children.
  • You are not worth the fight.

Endlessly does she whisper.  Constantly trying to drain whatever energy I can muster.

How to Fight Back

How do you fight dragons?  You don’t.

So, what do you do?  Whatever you need to.

It is different for everyone.  While those of us living with dragons can talk and strategize, what works for me may not work for someone else.  The best thing I can do is pray, reach out for support, and just keep getting up.

For every activity I complete I treat myself.  I get 5-10 minutes to do whatever I want.  Even if it is just to stare at a wall or lose myself in a monotonous computer game.  If I have to, I set a timer to remind me that I have something else to do.

It Is So Hard

For each day that I succeed in getting up and living, I feel weaker.  The darkness feels heavier.

I am always wanting to quit.

These feelings will recede.  Albeit slowly.

Each day that I get up.  Each activity that I complete.  Lifts me closer to the light.

I only have to do one thing at a time.

What Drives Me

This is the most important part.  Why is it so important that you fight your way back into the light of living?

Girls in the RainFor me it is my children and grandchildren.  I want to be with them.  Play with them.  Be there for them.

They are more important than anything.  I will do anything for them.  Even live.

I’m Hanging On

I’ve never been a quitter.  I’m a recovering obsessive-compulsive perfectionist overachiever.

So, every morning I get up, get dressed and set two goals to complete for the day.

Bip hasn’t won yet and if I can help it, she never will.