If 20 Is Bad, What Is 25

I have been seeing my therapist every month since my father became seriously ill just to deal with the stress and the effect it was having on the fearsome foursome.  I went and saw her right after the talk with my mother.

How Are You Feeling

psychobabble01I am required to fill out a “how are you feeling” questionnaire every time.  My numbers were the highest they had ever been.  Apparently a 20 is immediate hospitalization.  I was at 25.  There is now a serious problem.

I would really love to check into the psych-ward and check out of the world for about a month.  I cannot and my therapist very reluctantly agreed.  I was the only one who knew what state my mother’s finances were in and when and how the bills got paid.  My 12-year-old daughter could not be left alone with my mother and sister because they couldn’t see to her needs.

My therapist suggested that Katie and I go somewhere for a month.  Where would we go?  I had no money.  Everything I had was going into keeping us in the house.  I wasn’t about to go stay with any of my grown children because I couldn’t deal with their emotions on top of everything else.  Besides, I still had to deal with the finances.

Life Really Sucks Sometimes

Now I am exhausted, angry, resentful, frustrated AND cannot even run away from home.  Time to make some hard decisions.  I could not continue with how things were, so now what?  I needed time to grieve and rest.  I needed to be able to focus on just myself and Daughter.

When I got home, I told my mother that I could not keep up any more.  If she and my sister were unable to be of any help, maybe it was time that Daughter and I moved out.  That really pulled my mother up short. She started to cry.  After some discussion we came to a very painful conclusion.

We could not stay in that huge house any longer.  The apartment was not rented.  My sister was supposed to take care of that, but it had ended up in my lap like so many other things.  We couldn’t make the payments and I just couldn’t keep up any more.

I had given my mother six months but that was all I could do. It was time to sell the house and move.