About 15 years ago I had enough of crying.  Life is hard and crying doesn’t change anything.  It just makes my head hurt, my chest hurt and my nose to run and swell.  I stopped crying.

What I Did Instead

I got mad.  This gave me the energy to do what I needed to do.  It allowed me to push through the hurt and the heartache.  As long as I was mad I could deal with the legal issues, work, go to school, be there for my kids.

As long as I was mad I could live my life like I wanted to.  I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of me falling apart.  I would get my revenge by succeeding in life.  I would be so successful that he would be sorry.

Did It Work?

For a while it worked.  It lasted about 12 years.  After that I was just exhausted.  Any stress pushed me over the edge.  I had to quit my job or check into the hospital.  My memory was failing.  I was sick all the time.

Physically, mentally and emotionally a person can only handle so much.

The Catalyst

At the end of May my daughter brought her new baby for me to see.  She also brought her step-mother.  The visit was great.  I enjoyed my daughter and her two youngest children.  I also came to love the step-mother.  She is kind, caring and good friends with my children.

This visit also brought all the heart-ache, sadness and loss back to the front of my life.  And so the crying began again.  I can feel the emotion as it escapes its prison and floats to the surface. Then the tears come.  All that caged emotion comes out in sobs while my body shakes and my mind screams.  I cry for hours at a time.  I feel fragile for days afterward.

The Crying

Having an extremely large family (there are only 82 of us) often makes this more difficult.  The chaos of family gatherings seems to hit my triggers.  Every gathering and activity over this last summer has put me into a breakdown.  Now I’m angry because I’m crying AND because I’m missing the fun.

There is not any thought when I cry.  No thoughts of revenge.  No memories of hurts.  I dealt with the trauma last year.  There is just the crying.  It is nothing but the release of years of pent-up emotions.

It Is Going To Take Time

I feel a little better every time I finish a break down.  I feel lighter, freer and more at peace.  More break downs are coming though.  Fifteen years worth of crying is not done in a day.

I want to thank step-mom for coming to visit.  For helping me find the place to finally put all this down.  It is time to heal.  Not just me but our whole family.