Okay, so this morning I was making orange creamsicles when it happened.  I had put the mixture into the popsicle forms and began putting the lids on them.  That is when it happened.  I was viciously attacked!  The popsicle forms jumped up off the counter spewing creamcicle mixture all over me.  After this unprovoked attack they promptly landed sideways on the floor throwing creamcicle mixture on the dishwasher, oven, cupboards and floor.  I bowed my head in defeat as the popsicle forms smirked at me from the floor.

Shhhh!  It Will Hear You!

For those who are unaware you must be warned!  There is evil in your kitchen.  Your appliances, cupboards and dishes are out to get you.  You may think that many of the things that go wrong in your kitchen are simple mishaps and malfunctions.  You are wrong.  These denizens of the kitchen are watching you and just waiting for their chance to attack.

Cupboards and drawers are sadistic.  They will go after your fingers and toes at every opportunity.

Dishes and Flatware are constantly jumping out of hands and off counters in desperate attempts at escape.

Appliances are possessed.  They will wait until you are in a hurry or leave the house before they decide to go on strike.

The Constant Battle

My poor, abused little toes unfortunately take the brunt of the attacks.  These two smallest of the toes are constantly attacked by corners, chair legs, plates, bowls and flatware.  These stalwart appendages are always encouraging their larger companions with phrases like, “There is nothing to fear except fear itself!”

Fingers are also in constant danger.  Drawers, cupboards and sharp knives seem to have a vendetta against these nimble members.  Slamming and pinching seem to be the mode of attack favored by cupboards and drawers.  Knives are fearless biters.  They will sink their blade into any available appendage whether or not it is covered or protected.  If given the opportunity they will even jump out of your hands and dive at your feet.

There is collusion going on between the citizens of your kitchen.  Drawers will jump out ejecting flatware in an attempt on your feet.  Drawers and cupboards will jump out just to hit you in the arm, leg, hip or other bruiseable area.  Dishes will jump out of your hands and cupboards to attack you.  If you are bending over your cupboards will attack your head.

Plates, bowls and glasses go out of their way to get us in trouble.  Bowls will standup and dump out their contents on laps, chairs, counters, tables and floors.  Plates will jump up and knock the glass from your hand when you try to place it back onto the table.  I could swear that glasses and cups have the ability to make their bottoms round and roll in any direction they desire.  Their favorite seems to be towards my lap.

The counters are the central communications system of your kitchen.  They use vibrations to transmit your location and activity to the kitchen inhabitants.  Counters have even mastered the ability to use your own body to transmit these messages across the open spaces between the island and the outside surfaces.

Be Forever Watchful

One must always be watchful when in the kitchen.  You survival depends upon it.  The worst part is that I think my food is joining in the culinary terrorism.  I’m really worried.  I shall persevere however and am determined to win the war of the creamsicle.

I wish you all well in your kitchen over the weekend.  May you be safe and avoid the gorilla tactics practiced by the denizens therein.