Okay, so I know I’m not the only one who has issues with spiders.  If your issues are serious, do not read this post as it has explicit content about spiders.  Here are the things that creep me out the most:

• Too many legs.  How do they coordinate eight legs to move in the same direction?  I can barely handle two some days.
• Up to eight eyes.  Okay, so this would be nice as a parent.
• The wear there skeletons on the outside.  I guess they are so proud of them they won’t hide them under skin like normal people.
• They wrap their food and store it for later.  This only freaks me out because the “food” is still alive.
• They are cannibals. Okay so this is not so bad since there are 30,000 known species.
• They have fangs and bite.  Enough said on that one.
• They have mastered the art of camouflage and are good at hiding.  Maybe I could take lessons, there are people I would love to hide from.

Mi Casa NOT Su Casa

I only have issues when they come into my home which is definitely NOT where they belong.   I don’t mind spiders if they stay in their “home” outside.  They are actually rather useful outside.  They eat the aphids off my roses.  They make the most beautiful webs that catch the dew in the early morning and sparkle in the rising sun.  They catch mosquitoes, flies, gnats and other annoying bugs in these webs.  As long as they stay outside I will happily leave them alone.  If they come in my house . . . . They are DEAD!

My Spider Stories

Over the years I have had many different experiences with spiders.  Some I look back and laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, some still make me shutter and some I have blocked from my mind.  Here are a few of these encounters.

Die Black Widow, Die!

We were living in one of the valleys north of Reno, Nevada.  It was a warm and sunny summer day and my children were playing in the back yard.  I was doing laundry when I noticed a very large (about the size of  my thumb to the first knuckle) crawling into my house trough the open back door.  Black widows, thank goodness, are not very fast spiders so I had time to grab my husband’s army boot.  I whacked that spider a good one with the heel of the boot.  It continued to walk across my laundry room floor.  I must have whacked that stupid thing six or seven times before it stopped walking.  It took another two good  to kill it.  Who knew that a black widow’s exoskeleton could withstand an army boot!  There must have been witnesses in the arachnid community because I didn’t have hardly any try to come into my house after that.

Don’t Ride the Camel Spider

Okay, I only include this because my oldest son had to contend with them while deployed in Afghanistan.  These horrible creatures are bigger than a dinner plate and sturdy enough for small children to ride.  I would not recommend it though.  They have anesthetic in their fangs so that you won’t know when they are chewing on you.   They also hate sunlight and scream and run for the nearest shadow when they are exposed.  Most often yours.  They are very aggressive and very fast. They will chase you.  Apparently there are many big, strong, scary looking soldiers that can scream like little girls.  My son admits to being one of them.  Do I blame them?  No!  I’d jump on my bed and scream my head off if I saw one.  The only question is, “Do you shoot it?  Or try to beat it to death with a bat?”

I Won’t Pet Bob!

My niece has a pet tarantula bigger than my fist.  She has raised him from a baby and handles him regularly.  I won’t go anywhere near her when she has him out because he’s hairy and creepy looking.  She offered to let me pet him once, but I refused on principle.  Any spider big enough to pet should either be released into the wild or (if it comes in my house) killed on the spot.

Your Children Left Their Spider on the Porch

One of my mother’s friends stopped by to visit one evening.  Sitting on our front porch was what looked like a toy spider.  This nice lady, thinking that we children had left one of our toys outside, decided to pick it up.  It turned out to be a mother wolf spider with all her babies riding on her back.  Screaming was an acceptable reaction.

Vacuums Won’t Kill Them But Washers Will

So this is something that is important to know.  Spiders will survive being sucked through your vacuum hose and smothered in the dust bag.  This I find very unfair.  I go to all the trouble to kill it with my vacuum and it won’t die.  The clothes washer on the other hand will not only kill them but break apart their horrible little bodies and wash them out in the rinse cycle.  This was my method of disposal when we had brown recluse spiders invade our house.  They seemed to like to hide in the laundry basked so I washed them with the clothes.  Not one survived.

Yesterday’s Kill

Yesterday, as I was sitting in my recliner and working on my laptop, I fat, round, black and yellow spider ran up my chair.  I was, needless to say, startled and quickly flicked it off my chair.  As I carefully got up to get something to squish it with my heart was beating faster than normal.  The anxiety was definitely going to be a problem for a little while.  I grabbed a paint stir stick and whacked that horrible little creature a good one.  Grabbing several tissues I picked up this not quite dead and still wiggling creature and squished it between my fingers.  I then disposed of it into my garbage can.  I’m sorry, but you just had to come into my domain.  That is an automatic death sentence for any spider.  I know that your death was not quick and, I’m sure, very painful and for that I am truly sorry.  I will do my best to provide a quick and painless death next time.  Though for you, little black and yellow spider, it really won’t matter.

Arachnids do not enter on pain of death!

Have a great weekend everyone!